Coco’s Love Diary- When Love is a Mess
I think I should get an award for having the strongest heart because the kind of things I put that poor thing through, is just too much for me to still functioning normally, I should be insane with grief, self-pity, depression and all those other emotional sicknesses that could possibly make one derail and be notorious for killing people for having a broken heart. I know as one of Love (God’s) , biggest ambassador’s , I feel like a hypocrite sometimes, the things that I believe in, how I should be able to relate with people especially with the love relationships I have had, there is something I am just not getting right yet.
I have me sorted, there is nothing that I am uncertain about when it comes to who I am, where I come from, what I have been through and where I am going. At first, I thought of maybe my manner in which I approach relationships could be a problem, I am aggressive, very impulsive, an extremist, I am a passionate being, I feel like life has put me in a pile of mud, I feel stuck to the point where I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
I wish I could have been that guy who dates for convenience, just found a companion, anyone who was just crazy about having a cute guy on his arm but that itself would be draining, the worst part is that finding someone is the easy, being with the right one is suppose to be easier. There is nothing nice about being a trophy boyfriend. Than when I look at my archives of exes, I see guys who didn’t buy the authentic, genuineness part of me. That before made me question me, the last relationship I had, instead it pulling me away from myself, it brought me closer to God and then Me. That is something I can’t compromise for shit.
And, than there is YOU, this mirror where I got to see a reflection of myself , for once I didn’t mind it, I opened up myself to it, I dove into it/YOU, Never mind the things you said to me, there was something about you that made me feel safe to just be vulnerable with you like that. Right now I can’t tell what is going on? You back together with him right now, yes, I am not going to mess with that, however I feel cheated. There was no way I could just meet somebody and feel something I cannot even begin to put into words, I am literally dumbstruck, I feel like I have been punked, like I just debuted on a series of “Ridiculousness”, there is something that doesn’t feel right about this situation. Why are you here on this planet and we can’t be together right now, in this moment?
The worst is yet to happen when we bump into each other in public places, which will happen, I am certain of it, it’s going to be awkward, I will probably act like I don’t care however deep inside of my heart, I am dying to say something to you, only problem is, everything that I say will be filled with anger, hurt, disappointment but it will be because I still love you. Even after the stunt you just pulled, I am drawn to you, I feel an overwhelming obligation to be everywhere you are . However I am not going to put myself where I am not wanted, I shouldn’t have to convince anyone to love me when it’s something they should know already.
I want you to be happy, the both of you, I would never do anything to jeopardize anyone’s relationship just to validate how I feel. I will keep busy , I need to distract myself from doing anything stupid. I think of you all the time, your smile, your deep sexy voice, soft skin, soft lips, dry sense of humour, that laugh that sounds like its pretentious when it’s not, I miss all of you. I know that the most beautiful love stories I have read usually end in tragedy, I don’t want mine to be one of those. As poetic as it sounds that I fell in love with somebody who is has just stolen my heart, refusing to give it back, it’s not a nice feeling. I am dying inside with what if’s?
My best friend when I told him about you, he said “It sounds like this guy is always going to be a part of your life”. He prophesised this not knowing days later you would be dropping bombs about you trying it again with your ex. At this present moment in time as much as I feel he is right, I am just not sure what kind of role you would play in my life, would be as you my friend or in future my lover/best friend. Either way I am not comfortable in taking second place in your life, I deserve more than that which is something I would assume you know and are very much aware of. I cannot be in love with you and settle for friendship, that is just going to open up a long term series of occasions of me being hurt, disappointed and angry that I allowed myself to be in such a position, where I am going to have to deal with such, there is just too much at stake, I need me in a proper state of mind to pursue, do things that will pave ways for my future, I am not closing all doors to the possibility of us making it work or trying again, just not going to think with my heart only.
This is by far, the most depressing love note I have ever written, I had hopes that I would be writing more happier tales about my journey of love, I feel a tremendous amount of loss, it makes me sick to my stomach that I have to think of this, in this manner when its meant to be lighter part of my life, somehow it comes with all these transgressions from nowhere, it feels unfair, my faith, trust in the bigger purpose of it all is weak, I feel weak, helpless to the point where giving up seems like a great option, which is something I do not want to do….
If only there was a way, where I could stop my heart from wanting the “impossible”. This should have been the easiest process, I can’t fathom how it got this complicated. I am deeply saddened.