Coco’s Love Diaries- Something Brand New
Two weeks ago , I ran into Swazi-Stud, The guy who was the reason why I started this blog. At the time, I just needed to express the way this guy use to make me feel. I didn’t think that this would turn into something I do on a regular, A place for me sit down and just strip, A haven for my thoughts somewhere either than my head. When I look back and read up everything I have covered in my pieces, I feel like this I was no different to someone who would lay on a couch speaking to a therapist. I realized how I have grown up, even with every piece I was me, there were different sides of myself. I fulfilled every single curiosity that I have ever wanted to.
Before I start drifting, running into Swazi-Stud was awesome, I run into him everywhere lately. We would always make plans to meet up which never happens but then randomly bump into each other in social scenes. Swazi- stud was my first true love, we were both young when we met, never did I ever dream that I would be with someone like him and with him it was vica versa. We were instant best friends, we could talk for hours and never get bored. Due to us being in a long distance relationship, the odds of us lasting were pretty much against us, however it was the hardest thing for me to let him go because of the way he made me FEEL. We were on this on and off tip, he eventually moved to Pretoria, because we discussed us trying again once he moved closer I was shattered to find out that he had found someone new. I couldn’t picture myself living in the same province , city with this guy and be okay with him having someone else while I was around, so when we went on vacation to CPT with my friends that’s when I decided to move there and start over. I was positive that I will find love, settle down and just find me too.
There is this quote I read on the good reads.
Ignorance is our deepest secret.
And it is one of the scariest things out there, because those of us who are most ignorant are also the ones who often don’t know it or don’t want to admit it.
Yes people may say ignorance is bliss, it is, sometimes. When it comes to the things that keeps one’s mental state healthy, there are just certain things you can’t keep ignoring. It took the guy I met in Cape Town to make me realize that I was running away from myself. Whenever I go through something it is always the same solution for me, go find yourself a distraction, quickest way possible, dive in there and life eventually will go on. It worked, for most part of my life but my subconscious made sure that I DO NOT FORGET THE ESSENCE OF MYSELF…. There were time when I was way too aggressive about finding a guy, I registered my profile on 7 different dating sites, I could never openly admit that because as much as I would visit those sites, religiously on a daily basis, I felt embarrassed that I needed to be on the to find me someone.
I did find me someone, my recent was my “Something Brand New” , everything that I thought I needed to survive, not only as a gay guy but as someone who had a job with big dreams just all of a sudden didn’t matter. I was in love, it was relevant in my everyday life, I was me but a different happy me, not that I was unhappy before, because I am a happy individual, naturally. Being inlove puts me on a high I can’t even explain, I had this glow, I released pheromones that made me look attractive to men and women (BLIG!) . So when I was left to be single again, which was not part of my plan, losing that glow was the worst part of it. I would have done anything to keep it, not only just because it’s a glow but because I was in that relationship for the right reason, my actions were authentic, my love was genuine, my loyalty to him was consistent whether he was around or not, I said this before and I will say it again, I felt like I was in love for the first time, like I never dated Swazi stud before (Sorry boo, you still rock).
Losing that was hard, this could have resulted with me going back to old habits or doing things that are worst to my own detriment, mental stability, work, everything could have fallen apart as a result of this one aspect of my life going wrong. That is how serious I took it. My solution before any of that happens was to find something new, something to distract me from my own thoughts for a bit, I went on a rampage of going out, I was having fun, taking lots of pictures, the 1 day Tebogo Aubrey Mathe invited me over to a braai, him and I at the time have never met before, we just spoke a lot on FACEBOOK and oh what an awesome picnic that was. I remembered what it was like to laugh so hard that you just couldn’t breathe. I met these awesome people who are now my friends, these guys had no clue who I was, that day I just came and I exposed who I really am and they loved it, which made me love them.
They are my new SOMETHING BRAND NEW, they invited me to come with them on a trip to Durban which was thee most awesome fun I have ever had. I have my own friends who are still cool, I am not replacing them with the new guys but they just were good for me in the space that I was in at the time. I was reminded , there was nothing wrong with who I was, yes people will come into your life and they will leave but that is okay. You are enough, you have been enough, the things that you wanted when you were in love shouldn’t change because you are not in a relationship anymore. I prayed to God often to just not allow me to take too long to get over this because I don’t have the 2years or 3 years that people talk about after a severe break up. I really want to be in love, I want my till death do us part, I just feel like I have always been ready for it and I didn’t want to miss it because I am still dwelling on what was. God sent me this group of amazing gay guys to just help me realize that running away from myself is not the answer. Thank you Lord!!
I don’t have much going on for me right now, I am blessed with a job where I get to start work late, so I want to create an environment for me where I can work on the career I am meant to have. I have finally defeated my biggest demon (PROCRASTINATION), I am in the best space, best time, I have the best people, there is nothing missing at the moment for me not to get everything that I want done. I feel super BRAVE!! My blog has served its purpose, I feel like its legacy needs to continue on a different platform. Its bitter-sweet however its necessary, I am growing up and I feel like a different me, Like a more seasoned me. It feels great, I cannot even comprehend the joy I feel inside, I am always anxious. I feel like living and doing is so much better than sleeping.
There is the is quote
“It is only when the mind is free from the old that it meets everything anew, and in that there is joy.”
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
God is faithful, He answers prayers, His timing is always immaculate and His love is Everlasting. Nobody deserves to feel like being themselves is nothing meaningful. We are made in His image, there is a reason why you were born, the day you realize what your purpose on earth is, that is day you start living.