Coco’s Love Diaries- Into Me I See
One of my best friends once asked me this question ” Do you believe in your own hype?”, I paused, took a second to think about it, responded by saying “I don’t think so because if I had to, I would take it to the extreme of becoming way too vain”. Humility is everything to me, my parents instilled the “Love thy neighbor” verse into our lives, it is important that my feet should stay on the ground, All the time.
For a long time, growing up, I always felt like I was born in the wrong body or given the wrong life. It stemmed from being a young boy who was different from many of the other boys out there. As a kid, who use to play with mops, I loved hair that I even use to steal my cousin’s dolls, hide them away, playing with them in secret because I did not want to be exposed as a freak. No child will know that they are gay until somebody makes them aware of it.
I am born from a colored mother, afrikaans is my first language, named Wendoll Cheston. I was not given an ethnic name, so whenever I was asked “Lenna la hao la setswana ke eng?” (translated : what is your Setswana name) and having to explain why I don’t have an ethnic name, made me feel like I had no heritage whatsoever as I was/still get judged for that as if I had the responsibility of naming myself.
Feeling alienated drove me to my first suicidal attempt at 8 years old where I wrote a suicidal note as a desperate attempt for my parents to help me fit into a being normal with other kids.
The Universe only responded to my request later on in life when I joined a chatsite back in the day called mig33 where I created an alias name Cocodream (my own ultra ego before Beyonce made hers famous), I loved reading quotes by Coco Chanel, I wanted to be like her. Her rise to success inspired me, however I didn’t want to be her mimic, I wanted to be my own person and someday be respected for my own art just like her.
This chatsite, is where I met people I could relate to, this is where I got my gold star as a gay guy in the gay community. People started referring to me as “Coco” for short, the name grew on me like tuma, that is when I decided to ditch the “dream” and just be Coco Mokone whom you have been seen your Timeline over years. I became popular very quickly, dated the right guys, always dressed proper, made sure that whenever there was an opportunity for me to be seen, I would make it happen, just as long as I belonged to something, that meant everything to me because its been my struggle for like ALL MY LIFE.
Maintaining this gay life became a new struggle now too. The competition was cut throat, there was a new era of new cliques being formed left right and center. If you ever heard a gay guy say :”Being gay is like having a career” they weren’t kidding. Yooooohhhhh the things I used to do to sell myself for sake of belonging (Dear Younger Naive Me: Askies neh).
Life got really messy when I lost all sense of self, you know “The power of association” is so relevant in this part of my journey. This is where I learned that no matter how good you are, or as much as you have good intentions, when you surround yourself with a bad crowd, everything others do becomes a reflection on you. As much as I wanted to escape that, some of those skeletons still follow me till this day. For years of wanting to belong, I was like stuff that! I’m enough, I do not want it anymore. I just want to be my own person, even when I didn’t know exactly what is, I was faked it till I made it.
God was kind to send me 3 gay guys who would help me along my journey of finding myself. My best friends are all so different, it was/is refreshing to have been blessed with independent thinkers who could admit that they don’t have EVERYTHING figured out, they don’t always have the answer but being there for one another was all we ever needed to do and the best part was I could be my authentic self ALL THE TIME, as much as I am too much, they never made me feel like I’m being too much, they were not afraid to hurt my feelings with the truth.
Reverting back to that question “ do I believe in my own hype?”… Right now, in this moment, I am more than sold on it. I feel sorry for that younger me that had to endure all of that, shame than again, who knows themselves at all, at the age of 20. The hype I am buying into, is where I see myself like I have never before, it’s the hype where I do not wish to be anyone else but the person I am right now. I realized that:
I am All I have. Yes as much as there is family , friends, colleagues and boyfriends (bleh). We have too much focus, energies on the people in our lives that we forget our own needs that fulfilment interim. We shift blame easily that we forget to be accountable.
Forgiving one-self is a process, forgiveness in general is a process. I know I have to forgive, it’s a must, I just do not get why people make it seem like it can happen overnight. Even though the necessity of it is relevant and I see it mostly in older people, they take forever, years evens to get over things. These are the kind of things that hold most of us back from getting to the level/phase of our lives, is the things that we hang on to, the things that keep weighing on our hearts.
Procrastination is one mother of a devil, run away from shim. Yes it may seem like we have the luxury of time to do whatever it is we need to but when you are aware of what is expected of you, everything else that you, if it doesn’t go in line with your purpose, you either finding excuses or just plain lazy.
I want to be the person I want to see in the world, I do not want to walk around like world owes me anything, not even respect. I want to earn every little single thing I invite into my heart and my space. If its not given freely with an open heart, or if its done as a favour, I do not want it. I do not want to be anywhere near close to anybody or anyone or anything that makes me feel like I have a debt to settle.
Wandile said this a couple of years back and its something that I took and it stuck with me till this day, he said “Love God, Love Yourself , Love Everyone” , always in that order.