Coco’s Diary- I am very AFRAID
My thoughts are beginning to haunt me, alot, especially at night when i am about to go to bed. I go through these type of anxieties every year, usually right after my birthday. This is when i start to put all the decisions i have made under major scruitiny, I ask all the questions that i have been avoiding like why am i not where i want to be at this age, why am I not letting this go? Why am I not investing in myself more? What am i waiting for? WHAT DO I DO TO FIX IT?
I was looking at all these updates from my facebook, twitter and instagram pages from my peers, making resolutions, some celebrating their successes, others have left toxic friends/relationships. I had no idea what kind of changes i wanted to make in my life, I dont know if its that I didnt know what i really wanted to do or was it more of how do i get what i want, where do i start? I guess that is the reason for procrastinating all this time, i was too afraid to think out of the box, maybe I am a little lazy to think as well, I found some comfort in not doing anything about my future.
My birthday came, i realised that Oh-My-Gosh, i am so bloody stuck I need to do something about this. My anxieties were/still are on fleek. All of a sudden everything that i want to do just came to mind, i had all that vision, it starting haunting me, especially during the day. Can you imagine Casper coming to spook during the day, even though he may be friendly, a ghost is still a freaken ghost. My mind has been getting some harsh battering, my conscious is weak, I feel like running away from my own thoughts sometimes.
Now i get why people go through mid life crisis, this is how you realize how precious time is, not letting a moment go to waiste “Carpe Diem” . I finally understand why it is important to seize the moment.
“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
― Corrie ten Boom
I fear so many things, I do get terrified that i will not live my purpose.
I fear being a failure.
Have fears that the relationship i am in might end up disasterous and I will be left to pick up the pieces on my own.
I fear my books will never get to touch the shelves of any book store.
I fear that it might not make the best sellers list
I fear disappointing my mom and dad, I do not want to relive coming back home, admitting that i have failed.
I fear making the wrong career choices because of money.
I fear having all that money could possibly go to my head, turning me into someone i would barely regcognise
I fear loosing my close relationship with God, spirituality is everything to me because it keeps me grounded.
I fear being parent someday, as much as i love children i do not want to ruin someone’s life because i am messed myself, i dont trust myself well enough to yet.
These are the things that keep me awake at night and i have to shut these voices up everyday as my future depends on me getting rid of all those anxieties.