Coco’s Love Diaries – Love Is Worth It…. Always
I use to be one of those guys that use to judge women and certain gay men who chose to stay in abusive relationships. Yes, I was that feminist, thought I knew it all until life put me in that that position where I happened to fall in love with someone who ended up abusing me and I was just unable to let him go. That trick called Karma exists yall!!
That relationship over and above any other toxic relationship I have ever had the most valuable lessons. As cocky and weird as this is going to sound, you would never understand how God loves us until you fall in love with someone whom you have never thought of loving, planned to be with, or didn’t understand or couldn’t fathom, why on earth do you love this broken, bruised, troubled someone who has more issues, troubles, stress than anyone else you ever considered dating. Even though you have your own personal things going on, all you want to do is be there so you can fix it because their happiness matters to you. In fact their happiness becomes your happiness too.
I asked a few of my close friends who have been in these type of toxic relationships this question “Do you think if your ex acted right, or done right by you, do you think you would’ve stayed or still been there? ” Majority answered yes, there was only 1 who said no because they were not really in love with their previous partner. So that just tells you already that being in love does not necessarily mean you have a low self- esteem, or that you an idiot, or stupid for loving someone who turned out to be abusive. Maybe stupid in love yes but why would loving someone being stupid? If it’s because they hurt you, it doesn’t make it stupid. The only stupid thing in the world today is that nobody believes in real authentic love anymore that when it hits them in the face, they repel and do everything not have it but miss it when it’s not there. Everybody, I mean everyone, even a murderer and a rapist deserves to be loved. Sadly the people who normally do these bad things never believe that because nobody has taught them or showed them any better until you come along. Your presents in their lives is like culture shock, they fight against it, end up fighting you but they don’t want to let you go because they love you too, but they really have no idea how to show it.
When I fell in love AGAIN *laughs out loud* now, I had fears, plenty of fears, certain fears where internal due to what I have experienced, others came externally from concerns of close friends about the things I choose to share about my relationship. Having friends is awesome, especially when you have known them for years and you do not really need a reason to explain yourself however, because of the type of relationship you built with your friends, I feel like certain opinions are not needed due to how they can cloud your judgement to what is real and what they fear/concerned about. I think twice about sharing intimate details of my relationship with my best friends because I just don’t feel like sometimes/if not most times they will ever REALLY understand where I come from. My partner happens to be a private be an extremely private being, but because he understands that I am socially and personally expressive and open, he will allow me to share whatever i want to share about us, just as long it doesn’t cross that boundary where he feels like his privacy is being compromised.
Me sharing bits of my life also concerned me a little bit because of my previous public relations I had which I chose to share and didn’t work out that great, a part of me felt like I was selling a lie of a “perfect relationship” especially after him and I had our first disagreement, my anxiety levels were on steroids and I assumed the end because society believes that all proper loving relationships are doomed to fail. People will rather buy into meaningless sex, one night stands, relationships of convenience rather than taking a chance on love due to how loving somebody is perceived to be a “weakness”. I made peace that you get people who are not like me, who will never talk about their partners publicly, i understand that, it is just never been me, this is who i am. Its like the saying goes, everything in moderation, i am not doing so to market a lifestyle, I do things because I want to.
My guy met me at a time when I have already experienced what I needed to, learned all the lessons that I had to, I grew up….. That’s what I think he realizes that most of my friends don’t, that I have actually grown up, so did he, in his experiences and everything he went through. Now the other day I saw an update status on my facebook where someone posted this “ You will think you know somebody until you start staying with them than all the bullsh*t starts, My advice, do not do it” and I was like, this is super sad. If someone can take a bad experience and only take the negatives out of it and not take the positive that comes with bad experiences, its’ sad.
When they ask me “why are you in love with him” , I grin, smile and I laugh all shy and giddy because I wouldn’t know how to explain, there would be so much I would have to say, it’s like when someone would as you to tell you about themselves,everytime when you think of texting a response you would be like, there is so much to whom I am. I love him because every part of who I am he likes, he was not phased with what I look like on the outside, I suppose that’s why he rejected me in the beginning because I sent him a half nude pic trying to seduce him and it never worked L. After going through the trauma of being rejected, my ego bruised, I wanted to know why he didn’t want me and he told me that I had competition, I wanted to know who my competition was and after he showed me, I spoke to him like I spoke to my friends, he got my sense of humor, he just understood me , stripped my mind really fast, I felt like I was in the nude, and I was comfortable with it.
I am in a relationship that inspires me, EVERYDAY, Its sometimes unreal because I am not getting bored, I am kept on my toes all the time, It makes makes me want to be better, I am myself ALL the time and its okay. I am sure the question that everyone asks themselves is “But you have been here before so many times, we have seen you go through this state where you are oohh aahhh, this is it, you have found “the one” than DZENG DZENG another break up” …. My response is than we will break up. People break up, even when they love each other, it happens. I think we put too much emphasis on the perfect idea of a relationship that we miss the realities of it and that is, its two people who are very imperfect, most of all, that they are human, we most probably wont get everything right sometimes if not most of the time.
I hope the next you fall in love again, if it happens, I pray it does, hope that it’s worth it.