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Coco’s love diaries-“Just friends” The friendzone

Everybody in their lifetime has had a friend or someone that they wanted to be more than friends with. I have friendzoned a few guys in my life (with good reason of course) Karma was such a cow that she basically returned the favour on more than one occasion.

Is the friendzone really such a bad thing? We all heard the cliche’ that the “the best of lovers come from being good friends”. But, the question is how long do you have to wait before you can move things to the next level?

All relationships are complex, people get involved for many different reasons and they part ways mostly due to the fact that everything they thought they were going to get in those relationships is not what they signed up for initially.

The best relationship I had was with my friends as they have gotten to know me inside out. And with my bad and sometimes over bearing flaws, our friendship has goTten better and better throughout the years all because we understood that there was more to ourselves than just the individuals we potray in public.

So I have always said that I want a best friend that I could have the most amazing sex with. If I am going to grow old with somebody I must be able to talk to him cos than we both might as well be hermets at the age of 60 living in seperate homes if we can’t relate in any way.

So I don’t really fear being friendzoned at all. I’ve had a series of relationships where it was a race track, I move too fast and and its over after an hour. In my instance a month to 2months would be enough to just end it. Its almost like people are asking to be bullshitted instead of being told the truth.

There is beauty in being inlove with someone you can be yourself with for you will never be expected to change who you are. The game of love is actually simple as it needs only two different individuals that understand and respects the other for who they are but find common ground to make life easier for the other.

Telling someone how you feel especially when you are friends can never be anything easy. I believe that when it comes to love you just know when you have found the right guy/girl.

Good friends should be able to talk about anything. Even weird feelings that are sometimes unexplanable. No one wants to live a life of regret. If you inlove with a friend, let the nigga/niggress know.

Whether you going to stay in the friendzone or not shouldn’t matter. Eitherway you will always know where you stand. So why be scared?

Be a friend, love honesty. Stay Real
Its Coco


Coco’s Love Diaries – Transition- The hard part


I almost spent 2 years trying to get over Blessing. After trying every quick route in the book to get over him, Washley asked me something randomly: “Friend, maybe there are some deep rooted issues that have nothing to do with him, that is making you take so long to get over him.” At first i was like: What the hell does he mean “deep rooted issues”,  I got my heart broken for Piet sake, what is “deep rooted” about that. Nonetheless, I thought of why I avoided being alone, I thought of the reason why I accepted bad treatment from people I held close, I thought of all kinds of things that made me want to hurt myself and why I thought I deserved it. Why am i putting myself through such torture?


That night, I tossed and turned just thinking about it all and I realized that this stemmed from my upbringing and my relationship with my dad. For all my life, not knowing that being myself had a tagname “gay, moffie, stabane” attached to it. I found myself always fighting to be accepted, to be loved and wanting approval from the one man who is supposed to be my father. I remember being a kid, just doing things to get his attention. I became extremely rebellious at times, got into trouble, stole money, broke into a car ( Oh yeah… I was naughty as hell). I remember being bullied at school, being called a moffie , I missed school for a period of 3 weeks, me and my brother got a hiding for it. It made me resent my folks even more for not realizing that there was a deeper issue than what was shown on the surface.


When I was 11 years old, I was sick of it all and decided to write my first suicide note. Which I didn’t know that me writing my feelings at the time would someday be my career path. Something that would inspire art later on in my life. Before I drift, I attempted suicide at 11 years old because I was just tired of being the weird kid at school, at home, the kid that nobody seemed to understand.  After writing my note, I remember balling my eyes out, thinking of how useless I was. I thought of the logistics of how this killing myself situation is going to go down. I remembered people who took sleeping pills ended up in hospital to have them taken out again. Cutting my wrists would have been too gruesome, besides I did not want those kind of scars on my wrist because it was imperative that I am a good looking corpse if i was ever to die. Then I remembered the one time when I was sitting in the loo, looking for stuff to read, I normally would take a spray can, handy andy, bleach bottle to read the contents at the back of the can/bottle. Right than and there, I decided that drinking bleach was going to be the quickest, painless way for me to die. I took about roughly 10ml’s of it, put it in a cup, added water, said a prayer to God that it should please not be too painful. Literally had a  little sip of it and I struggled to breathe , kept coughing (Laughing my ass off). I recalled reading that “if swallowed, drink milk”, I did just that.  I decided to hide my suicide note and never attempt this nonsense again.


A couple of weeks later my mom found this note which she showed to my dad. He read it, without feeling any empathy towards my situation whatsoever, I am older now, I understand better now, however as a child, it just felt like my mom and dad just didn’t give a damn about the way I feel. It pains me to think that throughout my childhood, I have done things, good and bad for approval from my folks, especially my dad. I have always known that I was artistic, I loved the arts, lived for it. I remember bringing my father brochures for schools that would nurture kids like me who loved art and he shot it down with excuses like “there was no money”, ” Not now mfana”.  I even took maths and science just to fit into the “ideal son” vision he had. After literally just making it through Grade 10, I decided to change it to a different subject which I almost got a distinction for however even that fell on deaf ears. It was like “well done son but…”.


Eventually I finished school and needed to apply for college and University. He said to me to take the year off while we figure out what I need to go study for. In that year while I came with suggestions of what to study, he shot down every idea  until I came out of the closet when I was 19 years old. He told me to “Un-Gay” myself and he will pay for my college or Varsity fees. Nothing hurt more than that, a parent saying to you (Stop being yourself) so that I can pay for your college fees. My mom has always been there throughout it all however she was always torn between him and I. Her solution was forcing this relationship between him and I which never really worked till date as I would always end up being a problem.


My relationship with him has paved a way for many other unhealthy friendships and love relationships where I always had to question my self worth, most times compromising it for the sake of keeping someone in my life. My 20s were true testament to that, I have over settled for the worst treatment because I really didn’t know how to put my worth in action even when I knew what it is in theory. It was always a blurr to me , to the point where I would take accountability for things that had nothing to with me or anything else I did.

Years later after my first heartbreak from Cape Town, moved back just to recuperate from the whole break up. This is when I felt like maybe things might have changed with my folks especially after seeing how they were with younger siblings.  Just when I think we making progress, something goes wrong and we are still in 1996. It’s painful when your own folks do not acknowledge your growth, even when you  involve them by communicating your plans, expecting some sort of encouragement, most times its not even expected in a monetary value however just by being supportive. When disagreements occured between us, it makes me think back of the times when they have hurt me and have never said I am sorry for it. Not necessarily even saying the words per say, however more so in action.

I realized that the reason why I feel so messed up most times, struggling to adult even in my early 30s, is because there is that inner child who was done something wrong to him and just needed an “I am sorry, I have wronged you, you are not useless, you are worthy, God loves you, I love you, don’t let what I did to you stop you from being great”. I feel like I have been waiting for that apology for my whole entire life until I had to be that parent to me and apologize to myself for putting myself through crap for all those years for the sake of some validation I thought I needed.  I felt like why would God put these people in my life to go through all of these things that I have gone through. It Just didn’t feel fair.


I am redefining who I am again from the person everyone told me or expected me to be ,  to the person I believe God wants me to be. It is so hard  process,  its difficult to listen to my own voice from within where God speaks to me as its clouded by all these negative seeds that have been planted within me by other voices I learned to trust over time. I have  been so used to coming second or last that coming first is very unfamiliar for me ,though I believe that is where I need to be. This has led me to lose friendships that I have had for years, I needed to let them go as they just kept me in the same place. My growth was not important to anyone else but me.


This transition is basically suppose to be me losing something to gain something greater. At this present moment I do not see the greater purpose of it, I am mourning. I am mourning the life that I had and sometimes I am not even sure its worth it even though deep within me I know its necessary. I have been so vocal with everyone that I can’t afford to shrink me anymore just so that anyone around me can feel somewhat superior. I don’t even understand why that would be necessary as we were meant to share ourselves with each other and face this thing called life together. Why is it necessary to suck the life out of me when I am just a mere human being, doing what I need to do, to survive life like everyone else? It is the most saddest, heartbreaking thing to find out that not everyone that claims to be in your corner wants to see you win even when you wish that for them in your actions. They want you to win, just as long its not more than them, why?

This is me, at my ‘low point”, I felt the need to document this so that someday I can remember what it felt like to be in this space. To not have anything, to not look like something, to lose sleep over worrying about tomorrow and what it may bring, to have your faith tested where you even question God’s existence at times. There is a little brink of hope that shows up out of nowhere sometimes that will show that God still cares. Like for instance when I had nowhere to go, my aunt, without asking questions provided a roof over my head, Fizozo and Kevin have opened up their hearts, time and homes for me when I needed it. Work, has been my savior even when there were instances when I thought I would lose it due to all the chaos that has been happening in my personal life.


I wake up everyday knowing that there is still a chance even though when I have no idea what that chance looks like. I just wake up and let God take over  though I have unresolved issues with Him, I trust Him to do what He can to keep me safe, keep me sane and hopefully someday all of this will be a memory. Surrendering to this process has been the hardest part of it all. I would love to get to the part where I feel deserving of all of it so that I won’t have to sabotage myself and allow those voices that keep reminding me of my past and what I have been through to consume my head. It is not about them anymore, it has everything to do with me and my greater purpose. I deserve eternal peace and happiness.


I wish there was an easier way to get through this but it seems like there isn’t. I am hopeful that the end result will be way better and worth it.

To the ultimate transition.

Its Coco


Coco’s Love Diary- When Love is a Mess

I think I should get an award for having the strongest heart because the kind of things I put that poor thing through, is just too much  for me to still functioning normally, I should be insane with grief, self-pity, depression and all those other emotional sicknesses that could possibly make one derail and be notorious for killing people for having a broken heart. I know as one of Love (God’s) , biggest ambassador’s , I feel like a hypocrite sometimes, the things that I believe in,  how I should be able to relate with people especially with the love relationships I have had, there is something I am just not getting right yet.
I have me sorted, there is nothing that I am uncertain about when it comes to who I am, where I come from, what I have been through and where I am going. At first, I thought of maybe my manner in which I approach relationships could be a problem, I am aggressive, very impulsive, an extremist, I am a passionate being,  I feel like life has put me in a pile of mud, I feel stuck to the point where I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t.


I wish I could have been that guy who dates for convenience, just found a companion, anyone who was just crazy about having a cute guy on his arm but that itself would be draining, the worst part is that finding someone is the easy, being with the right one is suppose to be easier. There is nothing nice about being a trophy boyfriend. Than when I look at my archives of exes, I see guys who didn’t buy the authentic, genuineness part of me. That before made me question me, the last relationship I had, instead it pulling me away from myself, it brought me closer to God and then Me. That is something I can’t compromise for shit.


And, than there is YOU, this mirror where I got to see a reflection of myself , for once I didn’t mind it, I opened up myself to it, I dove into it/YOU, Never mind the things you said to me, there was something about you that made me feel safe to just be vulnerable with you like that. Right now I can’t tell what is going on? You back together with him right now, yes, I am not going to mess with that, however I feel cheated. There was no way I could just meet somebody and feel something I cannot even begin to put into words, I am literally dumbstruck, I feel like I have been punked, like I just debuted on a series of “Ridiculousness”, there is something that doesn’t feel right about this situation. Why are you here on this planet and we can’t be together right now, in this moment?


The worst is yet to happen when we bump into each other in public places, which will happen, I am certain of it, it’s going to be awkward, I will probably act like I don’t care however deep inside of my heart, I am dying to say something to you, only problem is, everything that I say will be filled with anger, hurt, disappointment but it will be because I still love you. Even  after the stunt you just pulled, I am drawn to you, I feel an overwhelming obligation to be everywhere you are . However I am not going to put myself where I am not wanted, I shouldn’t have to convince anyone to love me when it’s something they should know already.



I want you to be happy, the both of you, I would never do anything to jeopardize anyone’s relationship just to validate how I feel. I will keep busy , I need to distract myself from doing anything stupid. I think of you all the time, your smile, your deep sexy voice, soft skin, soft lips, dry sense of humour, that laugh that sounds like its pretentious when it’s not, I miss all of you. I know that the most beautiful love stories I have read usually end in tragedy, I don’t want mine to be one of those. As poetic as it sounds that I fell in love with somebody who is has just stolen my heart, refusing to give it back, it’s not a nice feeling. I am dying inside with what if’s?


My best friend when I told him about you, he said “It sounds like this guy is always going to be a part of your life”. He prophesised this not knowing days later you would be dropping bombs about you trying it again with your ex. At this present moment in time as much as I feel he is right, I am just not sure what kind of role you would play in my life, would be as you my friend or in future my lover/best friend. Either way I am not comfortable in taking second place in your life, I deserve more than that which is something I would assume you know and are very much aware of. I cannot be in love with you and settle for friendship, that is just going to open up a long term series of occasions of me being hurt, disappointed and angry that I allowed myself to be in such a position, where I am going to have to deal with such, there is just too much at stake, I need me in a proper state of mind to pursue, do things that will pave ways for my future, I am not closing all doors to the possibility of us making it work or trying again, just not going to think with my heart only.


This is by far, the most depressing love note I have ever written, I had hopes that I would be writing more happier tales about my journey of love, I feel a tremendous amount of loss, it makes me sick to my stomach that I have to think of this, in this manner when its meant to be lighter part of my life, somehow it comes with all these transgressions from nowhere, it feels unfair, my faith, trust in the bigger purpose of it all is weak, I feel weak, helpless to the point where giving up seems like a great option, which is something I do not want to do….


If only there was a way, where I could stop my heart from wanting the “impossible”. This should have been the easiest process, I can’t fathom how it got this complicated. I am deeply saddened.


Its Coco


Coco’s Love Diary- The X-Man


I know I swore to not write another soppy blog about a boy until I eventually get to write my book but I felt it necessary to share this:


So Nqobile, Palesa, Kenny (this other fine brother with dreadlocks) decided that we are going to grab drinks after work somewhere. I was going through my phase after a break up where I party hard while looking great, just so I could redeem myself from having a  broken heart. As we always do, me and my crew got super turned up, dancing, going wild and stuff. I saw this guy with his group of friends just walking past, him and I had a moment where we just starred at each other, before it got awkward I looked away and so did he. Palesa and I have this thing that we usually get hit on by guys everytime we go out, she would  make funny faces while I am talking to somebody and I would get back at her by doing the same, it was the most hilarious thing ever. Okay yall, let me just confess (This would be my Disclaimer: I am not very good at hitting on guys, I sound ridiculous and super stupid when I do, I just prefer to be the pretty boy who sits in the corner and let a man do his thing). Buuuuuuuurrrrttttttt on that Friday night, I decided I was going to say “Hi” to this guy. He had the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen, even though he wore glasses, which I think is so cute, that is the first thing I noticed when I looked at him.


Besides his eyes, he had this body, ohhhh Lawd that body!! *mini orgasm*, you know how like most Nigerian men look thick and toned but they never go to gym, his situation is the same and no he is not a naija, not that there would be anything wrong with that. He is just naturally thick man *as I drift in thought of that body*… Anyway, back to earth *speaks to self* so I did something that was completely out of my comfort zone. Well he helped me out cos he gave me a few signals with the look he was giving me, that it’s okay to come speak to me, it’s just that you know with us, the 1 who goes and approaches the other will have to maintain a series of events of always initiating everything first, I am so lazy for that, I was just not about that LARF!! Operative word was “WAS” , that day, all morals, standards went out the window, besides I was going through a “FCUK THAT” phase, anything goes…. NOT EVERYTHING FOLKS.


Anyway, so I approached him and said “Hi Howzit, I am Wendoll but everyone calls me Coco!” without stuttering, that totally shocked me, he than did the LL Cool J thang, licked his lips, looked up at  me and said “ Sho Mfethu, my name is X-man, Ugrand?” …. Tjerrr you know normally when you get guys who speak like that, I cringe for a bit because of how we perceive boys who talk like that to be “illiterate, uneducated, stupid”  for lack of a better word. Something that use to me annoy me about other people who spoke like that, this guy made it look so sexy. So he continues to say “ I have been looking at you the whole night, o muhle jo, I don’t have a fone with me will you take my number” The inner me at that time wanted to scream out saying “Yass Yass Yass” however I kept my composure like a good gal. I replied by saying I didn’t have my fone either than he asked me to wait for him a little bit, he was going to grab his friend’s phone to take down my number.


So he’s friend was one of those forward dudes, spoke a lot, you could see that Xman was a little bit embarrassed by his friend’s behaviour however I loved that he didn’t let him phase him. He took my number down than  later on that week we got texting starting to get to know each other. We had something in common *puts on that Alicia Keys Jam*. We both were fresh out of relationships, in fact he was still in 1, but I judged people who said their relationship status is “COMPLICATED” believe you me some of them mean it, some just bring their own complications into their own lives, I don’t believe he did. He told me that he doesn’t want to rush things, I was so offended because I wanted him jump right in. we just met in March, I had no idea that we would have a long, interesting 5 months ahead of us.


We got busy with this  chitty chatter-chatter thing, we than decided to meet up on a date when I was going to visit my friend Jefferson. He was wearing his pirate T-shirt with Black Levis Jeans which fit that ass just right. As much as at first he was shy, introvert, reserved type of guy, when he starts getting comfortable enough to open up and talk, he is actually funny. We hung out for a bit at JOburg Lane Downtown, Eloff Street in Joburg (By the way you guys must go check out that market it is sooo rockers) . We were chilling upstairs on the balcony,with Jefferson and his roommate, some other very cool Lesbian girls and at the end of that table was him, I and his friend. We started to get turnt until he asked me to show him where the bathroom is, we walked down, with me leading the way of course, He went into the loo (with no dodgy or kinky intent, Yes I see you judging me already) I went inside to take a leak, before I got out, I feel this strong hand going around my waist, these warm hands on my face, I turn around to look at him and WHOOOOOAAAAAWWWWWW … I don’t think I have ever been kissed before until that day.


Later on I had to leave to go chill with my pois since it was Sifiso’s birthday braai in Benoni, him and his friend took me halfway to the rank and off I was. So X-man is not much of a chatter, he will check up on me once in a while, then he would just disappear and my life would go on, I would meet other guys, go on dates however we had our thing every single time when we met up, it would be as if, we belong to each other and whoever else is around is irrelevant. So I kind of got use to him being my kissing buddy, I was down with that, I mean he’s hot, going through his own stuff but I did want more at some point…. UHM this would be every time after a kissing session at the back of the club. I didn’t want to scare him away by being over aggressive, however I dint want to stop my life too waiting for him to make me his official guy.


This past weekend came along, it was major insane, Jimzy and I planned a whole weekend of fun that just escalated to something beyond anything we could have ever planned. Since we were off the Friday/Saturday we decided to meet up with a few of my colleagues at this Joburg Festival, we met a few of our friends there, we decided to go to this party in Randburg, I was so drunk out of my skull by the time I got there,  we hung out there for a bit than later came back to town to party further. There was something about that weekend that made it super amazing, we bumped into all the gals Thato, Jefferson, Kutloano and Obie( The Former Hiltons)  all at different times but Jimz and I kept moving from place to place as we were all over. Before I drift further, back to me drunk the Friday night, heading to town with Jimz, Jeff, Lethabo and Charlie. We got to the club and there I saw Xman, in his blue Puma Hoodie, tight blue jeans and those cute eyes. He did that head thing of his which normarly signals (Follow me) but this time he did a lil different, after the signal (Yall know that head signal right?) , he grabbed my hand took me outside, looked at me and said “ Hola Poi” , I responded with this huge grin on my face that makes look so stupid, especially because I am so drunk and said “Sho Xman , howzit” , He did the LL Cool J thing with his lips again and responded “”Ngi grand”. I swear I have had multiple orgasms everytime I have spoken to this guy, he just makes me so weak in the knees, I can hardly breathe… That’s a line from a really old song by the way. We had another 1 of our famous kissing session (Boy It feels like I am back in high school when I say that), we both lost our fones buuurttt always could chat via facebook chat.


Today, I have no idea where we at, we both have our own lives going on, I don’t know what the future holds but after that weekend. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, he is the guy I have been looking past whilst I have been focusing on my crushes. We all have our ideas about who we want but sometimes, we miss the 1 that is always giving you a hint via a look, silence, sometimes only actions. We just need to open your eyes, mind and heart because love is everywhere. I am blessed that now that I have dealt with my own feelings, I get to see it. Whether Xman becomes my official or not, this is 1 guy I am going to be super selfish about this because tada ta ta ta I am loving it.


Its Coco


Coco’s Love Diaries- Something Brand New

Two weeks ago , I ran into Swazi-Stud, The guy who was the reason why I started this blog. At the time, I just needed to express the way this guy use to make me feel. I didn’t think that this would turn into something I do on a regular, A place for me sit down and just strip, A haven for my thoughts somewhere either than my head. When I look back and read up everything I have covered in my pieces, I feel like this I was no different to someone who would lay on a couch speaking to a therapist. I realized how I have grown up, even with every piece I was me, there were different sides of myself. I fulfilled every single curiosity that I have ever wanted to.


Before I start drifting, running into Swazi-Stud was awesome, I run into him everywhere lately. We would always make plans to meet up which never happens but then randomly bump into each other in social scenes. Swazi- stud was my first true love, we were both young when we met, never did I ever dream that I would be with someone like him and with him it was vica versa. We were instant best friends, we could talk for hours and never get bored. Due to us being in a long distance relationship, the odds of us lasting were pretty much against us, however it was the hardest thing for me to let him go because of the way he made me FEEL. We were on this on and off tip, he eventually moved to Pretoria, because we discussed us trying again once he moved closer I was shattered to find out that he had found someone new. I couldn’t picture myself living in the same province , city with this guy and be okay with him having someone else while I was around, so when we went on vacation to CPT with my friends that’s when I decided to move there and start over. I was positive that I will find love, settle down and just find me too.


There is this quote I read on the good reads.


Ignorance is our deepest secret.

And it is one of the scariest things out there, because those of us who are most ignorant are also the ones who often don’t know it or don’t want to admit it.


Vera Nazarian


Yes people may say ignorance is bliss, it is, sometimes. When it comes to the things that keeps one’s mental state healthy, there are just certain things you can’t keep ignoring. It took the guy I met in Cape Town to make me realize that I was running away from myself. Whenever I go through something it is always the same solution for me, go find yourself a distraction, quickest way possible, dive in there and life eventually will go on. It worked, for most part of my life but my subconscious made sure that I DO NOT FORGET THE ESSENCE OF MYSELF…. There were time when I was way too aggressive about finding a guy, I registered my profile on 7 different dating sites, I could never openly admit that because as much as I would visit those sites, religiously on a daily basis, I felt embarrassed that I needed to be on the to find me someone.


I did find me someone, my recent was my “Something Brand New” , everything that I  thought I needed to survive, not only as a gay guy but as someone who had a job with big dreams just all of a sudden didn’t matter. I was in love, it was relevant in my everyday life, I was me but a different happy me, not that I was unhappy before, because I am a happy individual, naturally. Being inlove puts me on a high I can’t even explain, I had this glow, I released pheromones that made me look attractive to men and women (BLIG!) .  So when I was left to be single again, which was not part of my plan, losing that glow was the worst part of it. I would have done anything to keep it, not only just because it’s a glow but because I was in that relationship for the right reason, my actions were authentic, my love was genuine, my loyalty to him was consistent whether he was around or not, I said this before and I will say it again, I felt like I was in love for the first time, like I never dated Swazi stud before (Sorry boo, you still rock).


Losing that was hard, this could have resulted with me going back to old habits or doing things that are worst to my own detriment, mental stability, work, everything could have fallen apart as a result of this one aspect of my life going wrong. That is how serious I took it. My solution before any of that happens was to find something new, something to distract me from my own thoughts for a bit, I went on a rampage of going out, I was having fun, taking lots of pictures, the 1 day Tebogo Aubrey Mathe invited me over to a braai, him and I at the time have never met before, we just spoke a lot on FACEBOOK and oh what an awesome picnic that was. I remembered what it was like to laugh so hard that you just couldn’t breathe. I met these awesome people who are now my friends, these guys had no clue who I was, that day I just came and I exposed who I really am and they loved it, which made me love them.


They are my new SOMETHING BRAND NEW, they invited me to come with them on a trip to Durban which was thee most awesome fun I have ever had. I have my own friends who are still cool, I am not replacing them with the new guys but they just were good for me in the space that I was in at the time. I was reminded , there was nothing wrong with who I was, yes people will come into your life and they will leave but that is okay. You are enough, you have been enough, the things that you wanted when you were in love shouldn’t change because you are not in a relationship anymore. I prayed to God often to just not allow me to take too long to get over this because I don’t have the 2years or 3 years that people talk about after a severe break up. I really want to be in love, I want my till death do us part, I just feel like I have always been ready for it and I didn’t want to miss it because I am still dwelling on what was. God sent me this group of amazing gay guys to just help me realize that running away from myself is not the answer. Thank you Lord!!


I don’t have much going on for me right now, I am blessed with a job where I get to start work late, so I want to create an environment for me where I can work on the career I am meant to have. I have finally defeated my biggest demon (PROCRASTINATION), I am in the best space, best time, I have the best people, there is nothing missing at the moment for me not to get everything that I want done. I feel super BRAVE!! My blog has served its purpose, I feel like its legacy needs to continue on a different platform. Its bitter-sweet however its necessary, I am growing up and I feel like a different me, Like a more seasoned me. It feels great, I cannot even comprehend the joy I feel inside, I am always anxious. I feel like living and doing is so much better than sleeping.


There is the is quote


“It is only when the mind is free from the old that it meets everything anew, and in that there is joy.”
― Jiddu Krishnamurti


God is faithful, He answers prayers, His timing is always immaculate and His love is Everlasting. Nobody deserves to feel like being themselves is nothing meaningful. We are made in His image, there is a reason why you were born, the day you realize what your purpose on earth is, that is day you start living.



Its Coco


Coco’s Love Diaries- Into Me I See


One of my best friends once asked me this question ” Do you believe in your own hype?”, I paused, took a second to think about it, responded by saying “I don’t think so because if I had to, I would take it to the extreme of becoming way too vain”. Humility is everything to me, my parents instilled the “Love thy neighbor” verse into our lives, it is important that my feet should stay on the ground, All the time.

For a long time, growing up, I always felt like I was born in the wrong body or given the wrong life. It stemmed from being a young boy who was different from many of the other boys out there.  As a kid, who use to play with mops, I loved hair that I even use to steal my cousin’s dolls, hide them away, playing with them in secret because I did not want to be exposed as a freak. No child will know that they are gay until somebody makes them aware of it.

I am born from a colored mother, afrikaans is my first language, named Wendoll Cheston. I was not given an ethnic name, so whenever I was asked “Lenna la hao la setswana ke eng?” (translated : what is your Setswana name)  and having to explain why I don’t have an ethnic name, made me feel like I had no heritage whatsoever as I was/still get judged for that as if I had the responsibility of naming myself.

Feeling alienated drove me to my first suicidal attempt at 8 years old where I wrote a suicidal note as a desperate attempt for my parents to help me fit into a being normal with other kids.

The Universe only responded to my request later on in life when I joined a chatsite back in the day called mig33 where I created an alias name Cocodream (my own ultra ego before Beyonce made hers famous), I loved reading quotes by Coco Chanel, I wanted to be like her. Her rise to success inspired me, however I didn’t want to be her mimic, I wanted to be my own person and someday be respected for my own art just like her.

This chatsite,  is where I met people I could relate to, this is where I got my gold star as a gay guy in the gay community. People started referring to me as “Coco” for short, the name grew on me like tuma, that is when I decided to ditch the “dream” and just be Coco Mokone whom you have been seen your Timeline over years. I became popular very quickly, dated the right guys, always dressed proper, made sure that whenever there was an opportunity for me to be seen, I would make it happen, just as long as I belonged to something, that meant everything to me because its been my struggle for like ALL MY LIFE.

Maintaining this gay life became a new struggle now too. The competition was cut throat, there was a new era of new cliques being formed left right and center. If you ever heard a gay guy say :”Being gay is like having a career” they weren’t kidding. Yooooohhhhh the things I used to do to sell myself for sake of belonging (Dear Younger Naive Me: Askies neh).

Life got really messy when I lost all sense of self, you know “The power of association” is so relevant in this part of my journey. This is where I learned that no matter how good you are, or as much as you have good intentions, when you surround yourself with a bad crowd, everything  others do becomes a reflection on you. As much as I wanted to escape that, some of those skeletons still follow me till this day. For years of wanting to belong, I was like stuff that! I’m enough, I do not want it anymore. I just want to be my own person, even when I didn’t know exactly what is, I was faked it till I made it.

God was kind to send me 3 gay guys who would help me along my journey of finding myself. My best friends are all so different, it was/is refreshing to have been blessed with independent thinkers who could admit that they don’t have EVERYTHING figured out, they don’t always have the answer but being there for one another was all we ever needed to do and the best part was I could be my authentic self ALL THE TIME, as much as I am too much, they never made me feel like I’m being too much, they were not afraid to hurt my feelings with the truth.

Reverting back to that question “ do I believe in my own hype?”… Right now, in this moment, I am more than sold on it. I feel sorry for that younger me that had to endure all of that, shame than again, who knows themselves at all, at the age of 20. The hype I am buying into, is where I see myself like I have never before, it’s the hype where I do not wish to be anyone else but the person I am right now. I realized that:

I am All I have. Yes as much as there is family , friends, colleagues and boyfriends (bleh). We have too much focus, energies on the people in our lives that we forget our own needs that fulfilment interim. We shift blame easily that we forget to be accountable.

Forgiving one-self is a process, forgiveness in general is a process. I know I have to forgive, it’s a must, I just do not get why people make it seem like it can happen overnight. Even though the necessity of it is relevant and I see it mostly in older people, they take forever, years evens to get over things. These are the kind of things that hold most of us back from getting to the level/phase of our lives, is the things that we hang on to, the things that keep weighing on our hearts.

Procrastination is one mother of a devil, run away from shim. Yes it may seem like we have the luxury of time to do whatever it is we need to but when you are aware of what is expected of you, everything else that you, if it doesn’t go in line with your purpose, you either finding excuses or just plain lazy.

I want to be the person I want to see in the world, I do not want to walk around like world owes me anything, not even respect. I want to earn every little single thing I invite into my heart and my space. If its not given freely with an open heart, or if its done as a favour, I do not want it. I do not want to be anywhere near close to anybody or anyone or anything that makes me feel like I have a debt to settle.

Wandile said this a couple of years back and its something that I took and it stuck with me till this day,  he said “Love God, Love Yourself , Love Everyone” , always in that order.


Its Coco

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Coco’s Diary- I am very AFRAID


My thoughts are beginning to haunt me, alot, especially at night when i am about to go to bed. I go through these type of anxieties every year, usually right after my birthday. This is when i start to put all the decisions i have made under major scruitiny, I ask all the questions that i have been avoiding like why am i not where i want to be at this age, why am I not letting this go? Why am I not investing in myself more? What am i waiting for? WHAT DO I DO TO FIX IT?

I was looking at all these updates from my facebook, twitter and instagram pages from my peers, making resolutions, some celebrating their successes, others have left toxic friends/relationships. I had no idea what kind of changes i wanted to make in my life, I dont know if its that I didnt know what i really wanted to do or was it more of how do i get what i want, where do i start? I guess that is the reason for procrastinating all this time, i was too afraid to think out of the box, maybe I am a little lazy to think as well, I found some comfort in not doing anything about my future.

My birthday came, i realised that Oh-My-Gosh, i am so bloody stuck I need to do something about this. My anxieties were/still are on fleek. All of a sudden everything that i want to do just came to mind, i had all that vision, it starting haunting me, especially during the day. Can you imagine Casper coming to spook during the day, even though he may be friendly, a ghost is still a freaken ghost. My mind has been getting some harsh battering, my conscious is weak, I feel like running away from my own thoughts sometimes.

Now i get why people go through mid life crisis, this is how you realize how precious time is, not letting a moment go to waiste “Carpe Diem” . I finally understand why it is important to seize the moment.

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
― Corrie ten Boom

I fear so many things, I do get terrified that i will not live my purpose.
I fear being a failure.
Have fears that the relationship i am in might end up disasterous and I will be left to pick up the pieces on my own.
I fear my books will never get to touch the shelves of any book store.
I fear that it might not make the best sellers list
I fear disappointing my mom and dad, I do not want to relive coming back home, admitting that i have failed.
I fear making the wrong career choices because of money.
I fear having all that money could possibly go to my head, turning me into someone i would barely regcognise
I fear loosing my close relationship with God, spirituality is everything to me because it keeps me grounded.
I fear being parent someday, as much as i love children i do not want to ruin someone’s life because i am messed myself, i dont trust myself well enough to yet.

These are the things that keep me awake at night and i have to shut these voices up everyday as my future depends on me getting rid of all those anxieties.


Its Coco




Coco’s Love Diary- My Love Note To Sphiwe

I am feeling particularly broody and warm and fuzzy inside, I am reminded of that day we first met, I saw that look on your face, that kazzillion dollar smile, something moved in my intestines, it wasn’t butterflies, it was not a crush, it completely changed the pulse and beating of my heart, gravity suddenly lost its hold it had on my feet. The eyes that looked into my soul, i felt naked all the time, i was beyond comfortable. The love even in its rollercoaster phase, where emotions has its biggest highs and when its low it goes really low, almost like someone who is diagnosed with clinical bipolar. The best time of my life began that day when i met you. Its like every other relationship i had was child’s play, nobody did it RIGHT 😂, there you were, nothing like anyone i have ever encountered, ever complex, the way you ooze confidence with your calm demeanor, when you laugh you sound like a small naughty kid, i Miss that laugh…. I just miss you ❤😍pp